Mar/100
Example of bravery!
A Spanish Naval captain was walking leisurely on his battleship when a subordinate rushes over to him and says “Sir, an enemy battleship is fast approaching us. We should be ready.”
The captain replies coolly “Go. Get my Red shirt.” The subordinate rushes over and gets the Shirt for his captain. The captain wears the red shirt.
After some time, the enemy battleship comes in range. Consequently heavy rounds of fire are exchanged between the two battleships. After much effort, the Spanish win.
The subordinate approaches his boss, “Congratulations for the victory sir, but why did you require the red shirt in the first place?”
The captain replies “Because, during the war if I got injured then my blood should not have been seen as I did not want my men to lose hope and to Fight with the same ferocity.”
Just then another subordinate rushes over. “Sir, we just spotted another 20 enemy battleships heading in our direction.”
The captain replies coolly “Go. Get my yellow trousers.”
Mar/100
Dont let this happen!
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize … you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring at you , and that’s when you remember: You’ve been listening to your iPod.
Mar/100
Intelligent servant!
Sam is a servant boy who every day drinks the wine of his Boss puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank. But the Boss having suspicions as for the quality of the wine, decides to buy pastis (a French wine that changes color if you add water). Sam as usual, takes a mouthful and add water to replace what he drank.
However, soon after he added water the pastis became milky. When the Boss came backed and noticed it, he was sure he had managed to nail Sam as thief!!! At that same moment Sam realized he was in trouble and decided to go into the kitchen. The Boss told his wife that “Cherished, you will see, he will be obliged to acknowledge “. He shouted: “Sam!”. Sam answered: “Yes, Boss”. “Who drank my pastis?” No answer. The Boss reiterated his question: still no answer. Then the Boss went to find Sam in the kitchen and says to him: “You insane or what? Why when I call you you say “yes boss” but when I ask you a question you don’t answer me? “Sam reported that “It is that boss, when you are in the kitchen there, you don’t understand anything at all, except the name ”
Then to prove that Sam lies, the Boss says to him: “You stay beside Madam, me I go in the kitchen, and you ask me a question “. Sam accepted. The Boss went in the kitchen and Sam shouted: “Boss”. He answered: “Yes, Sam”. Sam continued: “Who goes at the maid bedroom when the Madam is not there?” No answer. Sam shouted again: “Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?” No answer. Third time: “Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?” The Boss returns from the kitchen running and says “Sam: It is true, you are right, when one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, only the name”.
Mar/100
A payback deal!
Chris goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and his friend’s wife answers.
“Hi, is Tony home?”
“No, he went to the store.”
“Well, do you mind if I wait?”
“Not at all, come on in.”
They sit down and the friend says, “You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’ll give you a hundred bucks if I can just see one.”
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures ‘what the hell—a hundred bucks.’
She opens her robe and displays her left breast. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, “They are so beautiful, I’ve just got to see both of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I can just see both of them together.”
Nora thinks about this and thinks, ‘What the hell,’ opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can’t wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says “You know, your weird friend Chris came over.”
Tony thinks about this for a second and says “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”
Mar/100
Husband running out naked!
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies, Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy Shit! That must be my husband!’
So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, then started to run as fast as he could to his car.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman ‘I AM your husband, you slut!’
The woman yelled back, “Yeah??? Then why were you running…. you Son of a Bitch !!”
And that folks…. that is how the fight started.
Mar/100
Nuns go back to Earth!
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want.”
The first nun says, “I want-a to be Sophia Loren” and poof! she’s gone.
The second says, “I want-a to be Madonna” and poof! she’s gone.
The third says, “I want-a to be Sara Pipalini.”
St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?”
“Sara Pipalini” replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says “I’m sorry but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.”
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, “No Sister, this says Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days!”
Mar/100
Why are cows depressed while milked?!
At the Polish Agricultural University (P.A.U), the Professor was talking about increasing milk production of the cows, when a girl in the class asked: “Why do cows always seem depressed when being milked?”
The Professor answered, “Well my girl, if every morning at dawn they woke you up, rubbed your boobs for two hours and didn’t fuck you afterwards, you’ll look depressed too!”
Mar/100
Going downtown!
A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter. He asks her to “go downtown” so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.
After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, “Well, just what are you doing?”
She replied, “I’m doing what I always do when I’m downtown with no money . . . just looking.”
Mar/100
Old people’s sex!
A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it.
His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time . . . and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year . . . maybe on your anniversary.
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, “Well how about you and Grandma now?”
His grandfather replied, “Oh, we just have oral sex now.”
“What’s oral sex?” the young fellow asked.
“Well,” Grandpa said, “She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom.And she yells, ‘Fuck You’, and I holler back, ‘Fuck You’ too.
Mar/100
The chicken farmer!
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
The woman replies, “I’m a whore.”
The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman, “OK, I’m a prostitute.”
“No, that is still too crude. Try again.” They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”